SoMuchCloser

even when i feel good, i’m not sure if it’s real. where did happiness go? i really thought i had it.

i sit here and wait for the time to go by that i’m supposed to go out. i literally stare at the clock, and then it passes. i don’t understand myself. i have no drive to socialize with these people. i’ve become this half alive person with no desires. except to get out of here and find some. but i don’t know when or how that is going to happen.

ugh.

It’s about 10h50 at night and I just heard seagulls flying and cawing over the house. I think they might be saying goodbye to summer, too.

“is there anything i can do for you dear? is there anyone i could call?”
 ”no and thank you, please, madam. i ain’t lost. just wandering round my hometown.”

so i have to log into this site with my school email..and something inside of me cries a little everytime i type it in. i miss lyco waaaay more than i anticipated. but i’m going back for homecoming in a few weeks, and i am entirely pumped!

i am too caffeinated (sp?) to get anything really poetic out of me right now, but i’m just thinking about autumn and how pretty it really is. the sun shines differently, and i love watching it through the windows. it kind of sparkles. and the weather right now always reminds me of france, because even at its coldest, the sun always shone. and it was beautiful. i’ve determined that i can deal with a little cold, and even a quarter inch of snow or something, as long as the sun shines. i’m so open to where i want to go, i just need to figure it out. but i have time. lots of it.

sooooo i just got a blackberry! ahh, it’s way too high tech for me, but i love it. it’s my new baby.

other things are going ok. work is work; very tiring and sometimes emotionally taxing, but all around a good thing. my brother just got promoted to be the head person in my area, so that’ll be cool.
life isn’t really anything besides work. i go out, but it’s always the same thing. the people don’t change, even if the places do. i’ve been kind of hiding in my shell because i’ll find myself out with my cousin or some friends and i’ll be wondering why i put myself through it. but friends are in short supply here. it’s kind of pathetic. i have to remind myself that i do have genuine people that i care about and that care about me…they just aren’t here. i’m trying to branch out, but it’s like i’ve been married for 30 years and now have to learn how to date again; i’ve had the same amazing friends for so long, that now that i have to look for more, it’s really hard. i forget how to do it.

i always complain about the same things. but don’t get me wrong, i’m content. things will get better, it’s just a plateau.

wow it’s a fucking gorgeous day!!
xxo

i would like company without annoyance. i would like to be able to disengage at 4pm (i would like it if i didn’t think about my clients all day, and even in my dreams). i would like to write music again, and be able to play out. i would like to feel the spark of inspiration and the push of motivation. i would like tall, dark and handsome (and scruffy) with a sense of humor and side of sarcasm. i would like promises to be kept or not made at all. i would like a few waves to come and mix up my boring routine. i would like to know what i want and where i am going. i would like some sort of self control, but not too much to keep me from having fun. i would like to freeze this weather and keep it forever. i would like to feel some sort of positive connection to someone that doesn’t involve a phone call, an email, or a letter. i would like my own space that is actually mine. i would like to stop saying ‘yes.’ i would like to get away for a bit.