SoMuchCloser

you named me judge the day that i was born
you asked too much to fix what you had torn
things got out of hand, now i understand

i feel good after talking to kirsten. she’s in charlotte and going through a lot of the same things as i am, so it made me look at my attitude differently. she’s the greatest friend and such a good influence. it’s just like when i was in france and occasionaly felt the pang of loneliness; sure, there’s no one like them here, but i have amazing friends and i can’t forget that. blah, happy monday.

today is the grossest day, by far. but it’s ok because it was good for cleaning. i’m house sitting for my aunt and i told her i would clean everything (because she offered to pay meee) and it took me way longer than i thought. so it worked out.
i thought the week would be better, because i have the house and pool, but it was really uneventful. i got a lot of sun in the beginning of the week, but it’s been raining since tuesday.
wednesday was my brother’s birthday, so we went out for sushi and then a night full of drinking and craziness. i really don’t like going out here, i love the people i go out with, but i see so many people from peabody high. it just discourages me. why are they still here? playing in the same bands, hanging out with the same people, dating around their circle, moving nowhere in the same jobs? it gives me the creeps, because it’s like i’m looking at my possible future. i don’t want to let that happen. but there’s no way it could..i’m getting out as soon as i can afford to. i’m just realizing how even though home has always bugged me a little, now i see that i don’t belong here at all. in any sense.
i don’t care if you call me a nerd, i’m going to see harry potter tonight. i’ve been waiting since it came out, and it’s the first night my dad has had free. we always go see them together =)
two more friday until i remember what friday feels like!

this weather is perfect for me. the sunshine i had backed up from PA is melting away, and i’m beginning to get discouraged. already. it’s not even week 2 of me being here, or month 1 of starting work and saving, and i already feel like i’m up against a wall with no way to turn. i know it’s within me to be positive and happy and patient, because i’m that way with my friends, but home is like a parasite that gets inside without me even realizing it. and the next thing you know i’m negative and stagnant.
it’s hard telling myself that i have to learn to live without the people i love. are we ever going to be able to all be together without some time constraint? that’d be nice.
i already miss music being around all of the time. i miss the guitars lying around the house, and jon playing whenever he came over. he said he hasn’t even been to the house since i left, which is strange because he was there every day. i really want him to come visit this weekend. i want them all to visit, but bill and i were talking about that and how annoying and frustrating it can get when people keep pressuring you to take trips you can’t manage. so i want them to want to be here whenever they can.
i have to stay positive! these months will fly.

so here i am, in my dad’s new, beautiful house feeling strange. it’s nice to be here, it’s always a breath of fresh air. but it’s sad at the same time. it’s always new, always busy, always lonely. i had bill for a few days, and we had a great time. the drive was fast and fun and surreal. he enjoyed the city of lynn more than anyone i have ever met in my life, and i truly think he had a relaxing time here.

i miss jon a lot, and luke. as the days continue there will be little things that i think of, and i hope it’s the same for them.

i’m not sure when i’m starting work..either this monday or august 3rd. so either way i’ve got some time, and i’m going to get used to being here again.

hmm.

every ‘last’ here is wonderful and sad, and this week is going amazingly and quickly. we jumped off some bridges in the rain the other day, and i felt such bliss being able to do all of these things with these amazing people. then we went up to the rock garden and high knob, and as i was looking out over the mountains and watching rain fall miles and miles away, i could hear the guys playing catch behind me and i couldn’t stop smiling.
last night luke, jon, bill and i made dinner together and just laughed - it was perfect. then we watched Long Way Down, or the first two episodes anyways, and mused about bikes and travelling. it was a fabulous night spent with my favorite guys, and i think tomorrow will be the same. we are all going out to mansfield again for an open mic - which is ironic because bill and i played for the first time ever together there. and tomorrow is going to be our last time playing together for a while. hm.
we both wrote songs for eachother, and i want to get them recorded because i love his, and i’m proud of mine. it was hard to write guitar without knowing how, so i’m really happy i got it done. and i think he was proud of me, too.
anyways! music tonight, and more bliss, pretending i’m not leaving. i don’t think i’ve even told jon yet. i think he’ll be the hardest to say goodbye to (besides bill of course, but i’ve got him for a while).

happy almost friday, for you folks who know what the difference between the weekdays and weekends are (i, sadly am not one of them at the moment). xxo

what the fuck is home and am i ever going to find it, or feel it?
i have to start thinking about what i want instead of always trying to be someone to someone else. i guess i thought that’s what i wanted. i have to reevaluate things, and figure out what i want to do and how i’m going to do it.
home. whatever. i’m going to go there, think for a bit, save up money, and get out. again. it’s like some recurring dream. i keep finding things but i can’t keep them, and it’s really hard because i have some things here i really want to hold on to. but i would have left eventually anyways. it’s just going to be one more step.
point is, i’ve made my decision and i have to keep my foot down. i’ll sacrifice for a little bit.

word.

so i didn’t see many fireworks last night, but i did see what seemed like all of the fireflies in the world coming together for me to watch. it was amazing, and really really lovely.
we had a nice fire with friends and smores and mountain pies (which are delish!) and it was all very sweet and relaxing. i am putting some nice 4th memories in my pocket in the past few years. i like it.

i’m not sure what i’m doing still. the job ended up being the for devil disguised as the man - telemarketing. it took everything in me and bill’s convincing not to leave at lunchtime, but i didn’t go back the next day. i’ve never felt so shitty as finishing a day of badgering people and scamming them. ew.
i have a few new job prospects, so we’ll see. it’s getting harder and harder to leave, and at the same time easier for me to think of going home. as a runner by nature, this whole thing is pretty crazy and hard. and i’ve never been good at logic or practicality, so. yea.

i took my second motorcyle ride last night and once we got past traffic it was all country air and fields and fireflies and wind. it’s a peaceful and exhilerating feeling. i really love it.

xo