SoMuchCloser

movin’

i don’t care what you think about it, but here it is:

beingmel.tumblr.com

come pick me up

i am no good at decision making; anyone who knows me is aware of that fact. i do wait until the last minute, hoping someone (or something) will make the choice for me. what should we have for dinner? which movie should we see? what book or cd should i buy??

this time is no different.

like most things, i made the first step: i quit my job. i took the leap, basically giving the universe my phone number. if it wants, it can call me and take me on a date. if not, i’ll …wait, i guess.

i truly did quit, and i also gave a new guy my number. so, this comparison works out quite well. it also may confuse you.

in any case, pray for me? send out some warm thought that it will all work out? maybe ask the powers that be to help me not make a decision based on a boy or the seasons? i could use all of the help i can get.

want a real confession? i haven’t bought my plane ticket yet.

i’m beginning to think that i get a kick out of being against the wall.

(and that really wasn’t meant to be dirty, but take it as you will.)

too young to hold on

i am thinking too hard about everything. i am young. i am transient (is that the right word?). i have time to move around. right? my god, i wish my mind would just be quiet about this.

my mom went to this psychic that my family has been into for the past year or so (i guess she seems ligit and blahblahwhatever) and she mentioned a lot about my brother and me. she was dead-on with my brother, and about me she said: i’m free spirited and a traveler. i always wait until the last minute to do everything and i just get lucky. i will travel and be something. ‘not some where…some thing.’

hm.

it’s not that she said anything surprising or told my future. and it’s not that i need someone to tell me who or what i am. but it’s the part about being lucky that made me think. it’s true. with lyco, with kirsten and emily, with france, with bill, with staying in williamsport…it all worked out at the VERY last minute, when i had given up hope and thrown my hands up. i have no luck with anything; i can’t gamble, i never win raffles, i trip a lot. but in terms of things happening – BIG things happening – and going well, i have been blessed.

so. i should relax then huh? give my two weeks, make plans, hope for the best? because the best seems to find me…even if it is in spurts.

(am i crazy and on a rollercoaster of moods? or does everyone have good and bad days when it comes to big decisions? i’m probably crazy.)

time keeps burning

what’s holding me back:

• - i am making this decision alone. i don’t have friends or a boyfriend that will make the move with me. this is both a good and a bad thing, but it’s difficult nonetheless (how many words is ‘nonetheless?’). it’s chicken and cowardly of me, but i almost wish i was following a guy or friend. it’s so damn hard to do it alone.
• - i can see myself living in so many different places. but at the end of the day i want palm trees, tall grass, folk music, quiet people, close ocean, country and big city.
• - i want to go to places where i won’t know anyone or have a place to stay. i am realizing that having a place to crash is not a reason to move.
• - all i really want to do is play music. someone said to me, “you can do that no matter where you go.” but applying for jobs and trying to find a place to start a career leaves me feeling like music is the only thing i have a passion for.
• - everyone that once said they would go on such an adventure with me bailed. i used to have an entourage that i could picture in a big van or something, roaming the country, making music and just searching. now they’re all pussies (excuse my french).
• - money. i have some, and i don’t want to give that up. i have a secure job and money to do what i want.
• - ….and the list goes on and on.

but now there are cookouts and goodbyes and notices and i feel like i’m pushed against the wall. ‘get out, make a decision, leave.’ 

my boss and longtime friend said she is envious of my position. the grass is always greener, honey.

tell me now: where was my fault

i feel like i’m floating in the middle of the ocean. i know there are people and places just out of sight and reach that can help me, but i can’t get to them.

giving my two weeks; moving to portland; job searching/applying; good-bye parties before i have a ticket out; planes or cars; my mind is racing constantly with questions and suggestions and indecision. i have no direction.

i went to school and always got good grades. i networked, traveled, performed, joined, engaged, socialized, succeeded. where did i go wrong? what opportunity did i miss?

’til i landed here

so wedding season is over for me. i have a few more this year, but at least they’re spread out. i just got an email from a sister asking for my address because she wanted to send me an invite. all i could do was sigh, smile and send it along. i’ve spent a lot of money, gained a few pounds and taken lots of good and bad pictures…but at the end of the day i’m happy so many of my friends and family are in love. i guess.

now i’m faced with a long, straight road and i can’t see where it ends up. i had all of these things keeping me here, and now there’s just a few more before i can go. go…

the walk for lupus is next weekend, and i’m looking forward to being here for it. it’s strange to say, “looking forward to it.” we wouldn’t be doing it if my aunt were still here. but doing all that we can to remember her is such a warm feeling. i wasn’t home to walk last year, and i’m (insert happy emotion that doesn’t feel appropriate to say) to be able to be a part of it this year.

not much has changed otherwise. work has become a bit more enjoyable, which worries me. i have a small thought in my mind about staying here and i don’t want to indulge it. 

even if i found a job and place i loved around here, the people are still the same. i got together with an old highschool friend and, though it was very fun, i fell asleep with a sadness that i can’t even relate to the people i was so close to a few years ago. i distinctly remember laying in the grass promising that we would always remain such good friends.

relationships are such crazy things. they are what drive and motivate me, though. i just want to enjoy the good ones while they are here, because in a few years we could be sitting across from eachother discussing popular music.

enjoy the beautiful weather. even if you have tornado warnings, like here, it’s still warm and summery out!

xxo

…….

but i don’t want you thinking i don’t get asked to dinner
’cause i’m here to say that i sometimes do
even though i may soon feel the touch of love
i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you
if i lived till i was 102
i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you

-colinhay

tell your lucky one

I’m listening to ‘Roslyn.’ You emailed it to me and insisted I give it a chance, despite its relation to vampire movies. I ignored your request. (I ignore you and pick fights and say mean things because I can’t handle the distance).
You played it for us, when I visited in March. I was sitting on your windowsill, wishing everything and anything was different. Pretending it was nothing special, I shrugged it off.
And I shrugged you off. I remember you comparing the way I treated another friend to my treatment of you..’It’s because I love him,’ I said. And I could tell it hurt your feelings.
You were right, the song is gorgeous. Now I’m listening to it for at least the 4th time tonight. I don’t want to think of where you are. But I’d like to think you’re listening to it, too. Maybe it will give you comfort while you’re so far from home.
I tried to tell you that I do love you, too – the night before you left. (I just don’t know how to say it). But you were rushed and nervous and not alone.
So. I’ll fall asleep with music as all I have. And I’m the one that’s made it that way. But I could think of much worse things to fall asleep to…

somehow

23 is too young to be thinking, “what if?” i find myself constantly in memories. i apologize if that’s all i ever post about…but who told you to read this anyways?

even a stretch of pavement is different. i look down and the same sun is shining on the same week in may, but it isn’t even close to the same. i can’t describe how walking around williamsport cannot compare to walking around lynn. and not for the obvious reasons, either.

i would walk to work or the store or the bus stop, with my zune playing and my flip flops flopping. the guys would be in work and the few lyco friends still around would be in summer classes. i didn’t like walking around alone, but it somehow felt good. maybe it’s because i was the outsider. maybe because i knew when i returned i would see my room mates and the dog. i would walk down my street. i would talk to the guys about what adventures we’d have planned for that night. i would play music.

here, i will return to this house that isn’t mine. i will do something mundane. i will remember better times. maybe that’s the difference. i could always pretend i was somewhere else. but wouldn’t that ruin the “be here now” mentality i’ve tried so hard to reach?

i remember we used to do this thing, on cold winter days, when we’d put one hand in a binocular shape and look up at the blue sky. i would say that if you tried real hard, you could pretend it was a cloudless summer day somewhere else.

when i think of memories like that, i feel like i’m remembering someone else’s life. here i’m not the cute, sunshiney, spontaneous singer that people want to be around. who was she?

i know i’m the one who has to change my situation here. my family and old friends aren’t the ones to do it. i am the one who is searching every day to be more self-aware. i am the one who has seen the world and knows what is out there and has bigger and wilder thoughts. 

i am fully capable of being that cute, sunshiney person here. but it’s like walking against the riptide or whirlpool. and i find myself too scared or lazy or apathetic to fight it. i always tell my brother, “don’t complain unless you have actively tried to change your situation.” i am a hypocrite. i complain that i am not the person that my family percieves me to be, but in reality i am acting like that person. i am the only one who can change my actions.

but, god is it hard to be positive. let’s try?

&joy

I am failing with my new age resolution. I reach out and try, through every medium, to keep in contact and show my love for people. And I get nothing in return but broken promises and brush-offs. Or worse: nothing.

My question is: if I weren’t here anymore, would you have regrets and cry and think ‘what if?’ only because it’s what you should do? And because it would help your art or something?

I NEED to start cherishing the few that show they care, without prompting. The rest really don’t matter anymore.

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