SoMuchCloser |

what might have been lost

It’s good to know that you will never hear certain songs without thinking of me/us. This is the advantage of having friends and loves who are as obsessed with music as I am; we can’t forget eachother. It helps me sleep.

cut out all the ropes and let me fall

my trips to pennsylvania and the west coast made me feel like myself again and i am so grateful to be able to travel more. after this last trip, i see - with nothing but love in my heart - that i am in an incredible place. i am more optimistic than i give myself credit for. i am considerate and kind. i make the best of (most) situations. i am flexible, i am friendly. i am blessed and i am lucky. i should give myself and those in my life (who are deserving) more credit.

it wasn’t an awakening, really. just a realization of the path i’ve been on. i have every door open for me. i have nothing going for me, and in that i have everything. my situation right now involves no real love, but so much love. it’s all so balanced but it doesn’t make sense, i’m sure, to anyone but me.

i’m happy.

i feel like even though i’m getting farther away from those i love, i’m getting closer. when my best friends touch base with me from different states (and soon to be countries), my heart misses them, but it’s warm. when he sends me random messages of encouragement, and i wish we were in the same room, i’m still full of butterflies. i look at the guitar with fingers that can’t play, but keep writing and singing, knowing that i’ll be surrounded with music again. i go to work each day to make money to do what i really want to be doing, but i find enjoyment in it. today i realized that i really do love what i’m doing right now. which is incredible; it’s only something i’m doing to get where i want to be. but i’m making a difference and people depend on me.

i’m doing good things, and i rarely complain. i come from a good place as often as possible, just like Bill taught me. the only negative feelings i have right now are for the times when the clock is slow, and for those that are ignorant to all of the good things in life.

____

anyways, i really loved portland. i’m totally considering moving there. i had such a good feeling just walking around, and the vibe was a mixture of everything i love in a city. not to mention there were lots of gorgeous, bearded young men in plaid.

i have a few more trips i’d like to make before i decide, but i’m hopeful now that i feel like i already have a place i would love to lay my head in a few months. or less.

ahh, harmony.

i only wish i could forget

I remember dancing by the light of one lamp while you sang Michael Buble to me, as rain fell outside.
I remember laying on the bare carpet in an empty room with nothing but the xbox, which was playing “The Wolves, Act I & II.”
I remember driving down winding country roads with wind in my hair, eyes and mouth, arguing over Incubus lyrics.
I remember the first time we met, and we sat down and played “Shelter.” And we were in awe of one another.
I’m finding it hard to shake the memories that were so beyond good. I tried my hardest to close some books last weekend, but I only delved deeper. Even after finding out about engagements and broken ankles, I still want to be there, and I want them to want that, too. There are so many sentiments between us all, and they follow me around, no matter which coast I’m on.

maybe we should be friends tonight

ok, so. one of my horoscopes for today says “You are likely to make several new acquaintances who will be usefull contacts in the future, when you want to have a wild time. However, you should be wary of an unscrupulous person whom you may find irresistible. Blind impulse could get you into trouble.” haha, oh boy. 1) i am going to a party in lynn tonight, so of course i will make these new friends who will become wild contacts, and 2) i know exactly who this unscrupulous person is (unless i meet another one), and i really hope i don’t have the chance to say a word to him. or blind impulse may come into play.

i was already thinking of ways to get out of said halloween plans, but i might as well go. i really don’t want to…my brother’s friends & this northshore crowd are not really my idea of a good time. and i will most likely be left by everyone i know at some point because they will have moved on to talk to someone they could sleep with before morning comes. so, i’m geared up for that sort of evening. but really, here, i have no other option. i could go to a peabody party and find other conflicts.

yes, i’m cynical.

but talk to me in the morning, i will hopefully have been wrong.

xxo!

halloweening or something

i am waiting at my dad’s for a lyco friend to pick me up to go to a celtics game. how strange, and wonderful! she is visiting her brother, who lives not too far from me, and she is the reason i am going to my first real basketball game. she couldn’t believe i’d never been to a celtics game before…

i wore my costume to work today, and it was an oddly uninteresting day. i thought it might spice things up. maybe it will work tomorrow night…though i’m hesitant of this party scene.

i am excited, though, that my fabulous november will start soon. i’m itching to travel, and more than excited about the people i’m going to see in the coming weeks. maybe then i’ll feel like i’m living again.

be safe this weekend, kids.

xxo

how do i get better once i’ve had the best

i like today so far; i spent the morning making a personalized gift to send to kirsten for her birthday, and it really made me think about how much i’ve loved the last 4-5 years. i was so lucky to have the perfect college experience that left me with amazing friends/connections/memories.
then i spent way too much money on music, and then a good amount of money on new fall/winter clothes. since i threw all of my old ones out in hopes of moving to the west coast, i was in dire (dyer? dyre??) need of some. i feel great about it, i got some really cute girly sweaters and an amazing pair of heels that i definitely don’t need. but i’m treating myself a little. i feel good about my steady income and how much i’m saving, and i feel even better about my body and even my hair, which is finally growing! so there. go me.
so now, i shall sing a little bit and attempt to find something to do in honor of chrissy columbus. then i shall sleep late and go the topsfield fair tomorrow. goodness, i could get used to long weekends.

xxo

all i wanna do

This has been such an awful week. I got moved to a new room, which is hard enough, and I really miss my old guys. One of my new ones almost died this week…it was the scariest thing I have ever witnessed. I was terrified and can’t get it out of my head. But he’s fine now. It’s just been a hard week. I’m totally ready to go out, but this place sucks, and so do most of its residents. It’s a long weekend, and I want to enjoy it..even if I couldn’t go to Homecoming.

pumpkin pie day

soo it’s rainy and horrid outside, and i plan on doing a lot of pj-ing, shopping, relaxing. it’s one of those days.

yesterday, i felt happy. i went with my brother after work to hang out with some of his friends, and i really enjoyed myself. we went to casa molina and i witnessed a burrito eating contest, which was insane. i missed being the only girl in a group of guys, for reasons that are different that what you’d expect. i just enjoy their humor, how they’re so easy going, their comraderie. i’ve missed that since pennsylvania.

i’m feeling optimistic again. i’m looking at jobs that can take me away from here, and talking to family and friends that i can stay with all across the country. something has to work out, and i know it will. it just may not be as perfect right away as i planned. but i’m going to get out, and i’m going to do something that i [almost always] enjoy.

tomorrow is the homen wedding, and i haven’t a thing to wear! hope it’s not raining though, that would suck for them and us. should be a good time!

xxo

i strain my eyes and try

even when i feel good, i’m not sure if it’s real. where did happiness go? i really thought i had it.

i sit here and wait for the time to go by that i’m supposed to go out. i literally stare at the clock, and then it passes. i don’t understand myself. i have no drive to socialize with these people. i’ve become this half alive person with no desires. except to get out of here and find some. but i don’t know when or how that is going to happen.

ugh.