SoMuchCloser

..makes me wonder

knowing this is on your fridge..

somewhere on the steepest slope

perhaps i’m manic or bipolar or something is wrong in my brain, but i’ve come all the way out of my sad state, and i’m hopeful again. whatever, i’ll take it.

i made myself a [tentative] 4-5ish month plan, and it’s made me feel like i can breathe again. i know what i want to be doing by june and i’m not going to put any pressure on myself. it’s like the worst part of winter is over and i can see spring on the horizon.

i can’t believe how quickly i will be standing next to my cousin as she gets married. it seemed so far away. i definitely didn’t think i’d be at home for all of it, but i am, and it’s turning out….ok. i kept telling her ‘you have so much time, don’t worry’ but i guess i was trying to tell myself that. and here it is, very close, and i think we’re both ready. it’s funny, we were so inseperable as kids. then our teen years set in and we took different paths, which i didn’t think either of us would come back from. i figured i’d be off doing something adventurous, and i honestly didn’t think she would be around at all (whatever that may mean). i couldn’t be happier to be here to help her and to see her succeed. everything has come full circle, i guess.

i’m doing really well with saving money, with the exception of travelling. i can’t stop! i bought tickets to go to charlotte again, but this time just as a pick up and drop off point; kirsten is going to get me at the airport and we are going to drive to DC. we’ll spend a few days there, then head to PA, and finish the week off in charlotte. there’s so much to be excited about!

i had an excellent dinner and talk with my superviser/old friend the other night. i think it was the turning point in my outlook. she just reminded me of all of the good things, and what i should really worry about: nothing. and her theory is that life is like a river, which i really like. it may not always be running quickly and smooth, but it’s moving all of the time.

so i’m still moving.

xxo

et je veux ta revenge

yesterday i had my first gambling experience. the trip was AWESOME but the gamblng - not so much. it was a very glamourous place, and it was cool to be there, but i didn’t win anything. and some of the people there made me sad, sitting back in the chairs looking like regulars.

my new-age resolution is going quite well. i even mentally cleaned my slate last night (which made for interesting dreams - not to mention all of the booze in my system) and i feel quite refreshed this morning.

i also decided when i’d like to start my cross country trip. i want to keep it to myself, as to not set any high standards or expectations, but i’m pumped. i think this will really work out - that is, unless i get a job offer first. in which case, it will have worked out anyways.

xxo

plus que ca

so! it is a new year in my life! i brought in my 23rd annee on this planet with a few of my favorite massachusetts people. we got mexican (my fave) and i got to wear a sombrero and i drank strictly tequila, on my brother and my like-a-brother ryan. then we came back to the house and threw a party like only the kings can. aaand we still hadn’t had enough, so we headed to malden to cap the night. it was fun and the people around me made sure i had a good time, which was nice.

i took today off from work, knowing i would be hungover and that i’d have to clean - so glad i did so.

i have made somewhat of a new-age resolution: unfortunately,  i’m going to stop doing extraordinary things for people that i consider to be my best friends, if they don’t treat me with the same level of friendship. i sent kirsten a really sweet birthday gift, and she sent me an even more awesome package. not that friendships are based on gifts, but it’s just the gesture; we care about eachother. other ‘best’ friends didn’t even remember it was my birthday. and it’s not even just my birthday, it’s little things. i have always thought that i cared about people more than they care about me, and that’s not healthy. so i am going to be more loving towards the people that really truly care. that’s what i’m saying. i always assume that those that i love with all of my heart feel the same way. but i am realizing, sadly, that this is untrue.

i am happy and hopeful that this will be a good year for me. i’m continuing to make changes in my life, and looking forward to the days getting sunnier.

now, to get out of my pjs and put some substance in my belly.

xxo

how do you sleep

this morning i was helping my dad fold clothes for his work trip to florida next week, and i was immediately back at 1411. i was helping my roommate pick out what color shirt to wear to his job at the local paper. it was a fun, cute, romantic thing we did sometimes before bed. and then we were back at lowe’s, walking around in the light department (if you’ve never done so, i reccommend it - it’s as magical as a hardware store could get) and just picking out what lights we would have inside and outside of a house.

it makes me wonder if we ever fully get over the people in our past. i am ok with the fact that i will never be with him again, and i don’t want that. but sometimes a song or a smell or simply folding a shirt can bring me back and i can’t really stop it. i don’t always want to; though it didn’t end well, we were happy for a little slice of time. and what’s the harm in reliving happiness?

i’m only now realizing how poetic (and fabulously evil) my last words to him were.

good luck living without me.

clicking heels

nagging thoughts: you are at a job you dislike, just for the money; you are still sleeping at your dad’s house, without a space for yourself; you don’t have a car, are saving up money for a car, but then will have less money to move somewhere without a job; you want to leave now, but it’s not practical; where will you go? ; you have a wedding to help plan and be in in may; you will get a huge bonus in july; summer is so pretty in new england; it’s january. you are still here. and nowhere.

i will be 23. i was having the time of my life, and should still be having the time of my life, but i’m stuck. i stopped in the middle of that road and took a turn that i just keep going further down. i can’t turn around, but i don’t know my way down any of the sidestreets. or something.

i am thinking of grad school, just to get out.

i hate money. i hate that i don’t have people at home to rely on, or just be around (that’s a lie, i have one or two people). i hate that being here for so long turns me against my family. i hate not being independent. i hate not being sunshiney. i hate not having inspiration to write music, or the space to sing without being heard. i hate when i realize that my happiness is forced and my laugh is not real. i hate winter. i hate discouragement.

—

all of that overtook me last night. it’s really heavy, once i start thinking, and i can’t do anything or go anywhere. i talked to bill, and that made me feel much better, and i heard from emily, which is also promising. but i still can’t shake the feeling that i’m not living. and i’m getting [even more] impatient. i don’t want to do something rash..i don’t want to teach in france just to go away, i don’t want to move back to PA just because it’s comfortable, i don’t want to move into my aunt and uncle’s house in portland because it’s still fucking living with family. but i don’t want to be here. and money is such a huge thing, such a big reason to stay. i have bills to pay and loans to pay back. i don’t have mommy and daddy doing anything for me except giving me a place to lay my head. so what the fuck do i do?

geez. music, coffee, blue skies, and driving in a borrowed car have me in a better mood today. but man, that stuff is overwhelming.

so the story goes

at work, some of our guys use what we call ‘coping skills’ to get through potentially negative situations. my coping skill this january? a themed birthday get-together. every year since i left home (the first time…) , i have had an awesome birthday, with parties and dinners and amazing friends. this year, though the number of people will be significantly smaller, i want to continue that tradition somehow, and pretend not too much has changed. details to come, as the ideas flow! these amateurs at home are suggesting an 80’s party, but little do they know that i’m way beyond that….

since my amazing new year’s eve, i’ve been hermitting - with the exception of seeing Sherlock Holmes (GREAT movie). the snow makes me not want to go out at all, and i’m savoring my last few days of vacation. i had a dream about one of my guys (i was trying to make him belly laugh, to no avail), so i think that means i miss them. but i don’t want to rush it!

i’m so very hopeful about the coming months. i can’t believe it’s already 2010, and i could be depressed about where i am (compared with where i imagined i’d be), but i’m not. end o story.

xxo!

suppose i never ever met you..

so, it’s the last day of 2009, and like the blogger i am - here’s a year recap.

these came to mind first, and for better or worse: my top ten (so as to not get carried away) memories…

- my 22nd birthday. we spent a wonderful night barhopping which ended with me clutching kirsten’s arm (per usual) and yelling at security that i was over 21 and they should shovel the sidewalks instead of worrying about an of-age drinker (he just smiled, of course, as kirsten apologized). then, in true mel/kirsten/emily fashion, we threw a themed party - a citrus party. everyone showed up in bright colors, and bill and adam rivaled for most ridiculous outfit. emily made everyone freeze as she toasted me when my all time favorite song came on the cd she made for the occasion.

- spring break in pheonix. i visited one of my favorite cousins in arizona, in the middle of february. it was wonderful; i got to see my first palm trees, went to the grand canyon, and was (and still am) the first and only person to meet my cousins significant other. it was as far west as i had been at that point in time, and the climate was amazing. swimming in february simply makes me smile.

- the annual cocktail party. when we were freshman, this tradition started and it was passed on to seniors in our group of friends for the following year. this year it was our turn, and all of the alumn we love so much came and everyone dressed to the nines. josh couldn’t make it, so he made a slide show and a presentation that bryan and i read out loud and that brought tears to many eyes. it was amazing, went without a hitch, was the first night i really witnessed jon in action and ended with martin falling asleep in our recliner.

- graduation. it was a whirlwind of a weekend, and it felt strange to be the seniors finally, instead of just partying for those 3 days. 15 of my family members came and we got to sing, eat, drink and play. kirsten’s, emily’s and my family rented a room and all had dinner together. my mother got really sick and had to spend my grad day in the hospital, and one of my friends’ mom stayed with her. the weekend ended with my uncle, my brother, debbie, eric, jon and i closing out the pub drinking tequila and yuengling. then eric brought me back and so began that crazy thing we had.

- getting my first real place. i was strapped for a place and job, and all of a sudden here i was moving in with eric and luke. 1411 was a large house with a fabulous yard that led to a stream, right in the middle of williamsport. secret romances were more fun, i got to be the cooking, cleaning woman in the group and we spent long days and nights painting, playing music, exploring, video-gaming and just laughing. it was the hub of the group of guys and link the dog, and the house was never quiet (in a good way). i was challenged at job hunting, music recording, relationship juggling and rent paying.

- the mural. bill was hired by this wonderfully insane old man that lived across from lyco to paint the side of his barn. he wanted 3 vintage ads that got progressivly more complex, starting with just blocked letters and ending with a portrait. i spent most of my days that i wasn’t job hunting helping bill. we got a lot of sun, made a ton of messes, and just had a great time. the man that hired bill got to know me so well that he called every girl he ever saw helping bill ‘mel.’ when it was finished, we were invited to his birthday celebrations and were introduced to everyone as the artist and his mel. it was a really unique thing that i’m so glad i got to be a part of, and something i can never really explain. my name is now on a wall in williamsport, and will be there for a really long time.

- leaving pennsylvania. - i was living off of graduation money and money bill was kind enough to share with me for helping him with the mural job, and when it ran out i was stuck. it broke my heart to leave, and i took a long time to decide, but it was the best choice if i wanted to save money. so many people came together to try and get me to stay, from donating money to writing me songs, but i had to be rational for once. that last week i was in the house was the hardest, but the most fun. we spent every day pretending i wasn’t leaving; we bridge jumped, played shows, recorded, and rented horrible scary movies. the night before i left, luke and jon took me on a wonderful date and the morning of my trip back home, jon and i went to an early but sweet breakfast.

- road tripping with bill. - i had told bill that if i stayed and it didn’t work out, i would need a way home and he promised to drive me. though both of us made that promise hoping i wouldn’t need to go home, when the time came he didn’t even question it. we packed up his jeep with as much as we could, and took to the road on a monday morning. the trip seemed so short and was so much fun. we stopped in connecticut, where bill made the yuppies feel stupid, and stopped in a random town where we peed in the woods and he made friends with a cross country motorcylist. when we made it to massachusetts, bill stayed for a few days and learned to love the city of lynn and bonded (even more) with my dad. it was one of the saddest days when he left.

- first alumn visit with emily. a few weeks before emily left for greece, we decided to go back to williamsport to surprise her little for her birthday and see our amigos. i flew into dc and we had a marvelous roadtrip. i got to see amish people, animal, my big and other sisters, and we had dinner with the guys. we spent the night drinking with the guys and our sisters, i found out eric is engaged, tipsily yelled at bill and jon for sucking at keeping in touch, and finally went to rum runner’s. we went to 2 boys at 2 am, just like old times, and jon showed up just to be there. in the morning, even with hangovers, we went to see our friends sing in a choir performance and say hi to our old director, and then headed to the airport. it made me realize that i will always want to go back to williamsport, but lyco is a perfect memory that ended just right.

- seattle/portland/charlotte. - i called these trips research for a new place to live and work, but they were also just excuses to travel and see some of my favorite people. i was in a rut at home, and they were just what i needed. i got to have my first west coast trip, and i loved it. i got to know seattle and portland very well, and see how keith and my aunt and uncle live their lives away from home. going back to north carolina was a great experience, too. kirsten is living her fabulous life and it was amazing to have my best friend for a few days. we spent time in asheville and memories of 2006 came rushing back. i still don’t know if i’ll move to portland or asheville, and at this point i think it has a lot to do with finding a job i love.

so, there’s the best of 2009. it took me a really long time, and my hands hurts from typing, and i don’t really care if any of you read all of it. i wish i could write more, and i didn’t do any of these memories justice, but it’s nice to look back. 2009 was the craziest, potentially most depressing, but most incredible and happiest year i’ve had so far. i’m sad to see it go, but if i get my shit together then 2010 will be even better. i hope.

xo and be safe tonight!

social hockey

when i was younger, i had a lot of friends. ok, i still have a lot of friends, but that’s how this particular memory begins; me having a lot of friends. they always wanted to do things, from kindergarten to senior year, from playdates to prom sleepovers. and i never could. for whatever reasons, i wasn’t allowed to do much, save for hang out with the few friends whose families my parents knew very well. so, when i got an invite to do something, i asked my parents knowing they would say no. i was always upset, but i feel like i was also always prepared to stay in.

then i got a car, and could do more things. and eventually went to college, and could do whatever i wanted. i didn’t have to ask, or even have time to think, because everything was right there, right then. so i got more freedom, and even when i came home for vacations, i could basically do whatever i wanted.

now, back at home for an extended period of time, i realize why i usually say no to invitations: i’m still that little girl, resigned to staying in for the night, ok with my own company. not to mention that most invitations include binge drinking and hanging out with the same lynn english kids every week.

i struggle with the questions, ‘do i really not want to hang out with these people and do the same things?’ or ‘am i so used to having to say no to my friends?’

my social patterns have changed so much since leaving pennsylvania, that i can’t figure them out anymore. i definitely miss that college bubble, but i have to get used to navigating through the crowds in the real world. all of my favorite people aren’t in one place anymore, which makes this hard.

xxo

to the people in my life right now:

- believe in me, and see who i am now…not who i was when i was a kid.

- you are the reason your spirits are down, not everyone around you.

- figure out what you really want to do, and do it. you are so much better than this.

- stop calling or texting me because there is nothing else to do. i haven’t seen you in a while, and i’m ok with that.

- get over the things that you think are bogging you down. life is so simple, especially yours.

- do something crazy with me. live a little [more].

- stop complaining.

- don’t ask me questions, don’t press me to talk to you.

- your children are spoiled, and i can’t be around them for longer than an hour.

- i deal with things differently than you. please accept that.

- you have renewed my love for music, and writing/singing my own. you don’t even realize it.

- i fear you don’t have feelings anymore. i hope i’m wrong.

- you inspire me.

- i miss you.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

xxo

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